A Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Manual

   * SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
     unusually pale and clear.
     FAULT: Glass empty.
     ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

   * SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front
     of your shirt is wet.
     FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of
     face.
     ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many
     as needed to perfect drinking technique.

   * SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
     FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
     ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

   * SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
     FAULT: Improper bladder control.
     ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the
     owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as
     compensation.

   * SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
     FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
     ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

   * SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
     FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in
     progress.
     ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

   * SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
     FAULT: You are being carried out.
     ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not,
     complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

   * SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light
     strip across it.
     FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
     ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking
     arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to
     bar.

   * SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
     FAULT: You have fallen forward.
     ACTION: See above.

   * SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
     FAULT: The Bar is closing.
     ACTION: Panic.

   * SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see
     anything in your bedroom.
     FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
     ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat
     yourself to a lie-in.
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     December 1996